 Hey there, you. Yes, I’m talking to you. I see you. You’re a new postpartum mom on the outside. That’s what they all see right now. But I know where you are and where you were. You don’t fool me. There is so much more on the inside than what meets the eye. I know you haven’t gotten to focus much lately on your passions, your dreams or your feelings. You’re in a place where everyone seems to think that you don’t get to decide how you feel. I want to tell you that they’re wrong. You get to decide how you feel. You have to feel your truth. They don’t get to silence you just because they have a picture perfect vision of what it “should” be. You have transformed, for better or worse. No matter what you feel, having those feelings doesn’t make you bad or different. Do you know what it makes you? It makes you human. You see, the truth is that we need you to be ok. Your baby needs you to be ok. Society needs you to be ok. But if you’re not ok, that’s ok too. I just hope you’re given the ability to get there. As mothers, sometimes the best advice can be found from the flight attendants. “Under your seat you will find your baby’s life jacket. In the compartment up above there is an extra oxygen mask for him. You have a flotation device and an oxygen mask as well. Please take heed, and secure them on yourself first before assisting your baby.” We live in a day and age of technology, where every article is thrust upon us as to how best care for a baby. How many articles have been shared around social media with information about how to care for you? We need articles. We need gentle reminders. We need showers, food and exercise. We need physical touch, quality time with loved ones and moments where we can laugh and celebrate who we are. Sometimes we need help, whether it be others coming into the household to assist us, time away from our daily routines or medication to help us over the road bumps that can occur during this transformational time. It’s a pretty big deal what our bodies and minds have been through. Don’t discredit yourself just because women do it every day. You did it, and you’re wonderful. As mothers, all of our needs are different. We can’t stamp the same cookie cutter over every postpartum woman and not expect there to be outside pieces, which are just as deserving, just as beautiful and just as beneficial.  
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 When my oldest son was two and it was time for his nap, we had a solid routine. I would change his diaper, he would toddle over to his pile of books, pull one out of the pile and attempt to squeeze between my sizable pregnant belly and the rocking chair. Little Pea, by Amy Krause Rosenthal was among our favorites. Little Pea is a book about – you guessed it: a little pea who lives with his pea parents. Every night, Little Pea’s parents struggle to get him to eat his dinner, which consists of pieces of candy. They beg and plead with him, citing that he will not grow big and strong one day if he doesn’t clear his plate. An even bigger dilemma for Little Pea, is that if he doesn’t eat his dinner, he will not get dessert: a heaping bowl of spinach. Little Pea is ecstatic about his dessert prospect, so he begrudgingly eats his candy, knowing he will soon be slurping down his favorite green treat. This book held a lot of amazing memories for my son and I, including belly-busting laughter at the sound effects Little Pea makes upon having to eat his loathed candy for dinner. But the doula side of me sees a big lesson for everyone in this book. What is this lesson? Perception, of course! It is so tempting to read this book and think “I sure wish candy could make me big and strong. I’d be so much happier.” But when we do this, we are invalidating Little Pea’s feelings about the detestable taste of candy. Perception is different in the birth world too… The woman who is vocalizing through contractions, may not be in as much pain as you think. The epidural may have helped that mother relax and dilate faster. The 2 hour birth from start to finish may have actually been a traumatizing scenario. The planned cesarean may be just what this family wanted for peace of mind. When we feel strongly about something, our feelings are never wrong. Even if our feelings differ from another, it is possible for both perceptions to be right because different perceptions fit different people. One of my favorite parts of being a doula is meeting families where they are at and supporting their perceptions, which may change day to day. If I am ever able to be a postpartum doula for Little Pea’s family, I will hold his baby so he can eat an entire bowl of spinach with both hands, uninterrupted, and then happily help his family to function in whatever way they need for that day. After this, I will get in my car, put on my tunes and grab my bag of Twizzlers for the ride home. Little Pea will never know my love for candy, and he will never have to, because I support all families, regardless of how they feel about candy.   We discussed the fourth trimester in our previous blog for those who are just tuning in. Today, we want to share some tools to help navigate this fragile and often demanding time. As you have probably guessed by now, the best way to help baby adjust during the fourth trimester is to recreate womb life. This could be a tall order, and sometimes baby needs just the right combination. Don’t worry, we have a huge assortment of techniques for you to try, and we feel confident that you will figure out the sweet spot of combinations your baby likes best. (And don’t be surprised if they change day to day. Anything goes in the fourth trimester!) WARMTH: Wombs are warm, cozy and even at times, restrictive in how much baby can move. Swaddling baby is a perfect help for this, and is the safest practice to keep baby warm without loose blankets in the area. Another really great way to give baby this warmth is to do skin to skin. Sometimes when we are out and about or have other little ones who need our attention, this can be hard to fulfill, which is where baby wearing comes in handy. FEEDING: Babies are not used to this new feeling of hunger. In order to help them, they develop a sucking reflex, which provides comfort to them. This can be especially hard on mothers who choose to breastfeed as often, they feel they are attached to their baby 24/7 in the beginning. Staying on top of baby’s feeding and recognizing feeding cues will help to make sure baby is nourished before the hanger kicks in, only leading to more frustration for all parties. Watch for signs such as rooting. If baby is not hungry, a pacifier or even a clean, trimmed pinky finger turned up can be great aids to trigger this comforting sucking reflex for babies to feel safe. Staying on top of gas is another way to ensure this comfort. Burping baby, doing bicycle legs and perfecting baby’s latch on the breast or using a good quality bottle can all help baby to not have too much gas. MOVEMENT: In the womb, baby was used to mom’s movements as well as the waves of the water that surrounded him/her. This can easily be mimicked either by rocking baby or by investing in a quality swing. Many babies are even calmed by the feeling of a bath. NOISE: Baby also got to hear certain sounds in the womb that were calming to him/her. A white noise machine can be a great asset to keeping baby calm, but there are also plenty of apps that will get the job done as well. Music, singing to baby or even a simple “shhhhhh” sound spoken either at length or rhythmically (“sh sh sh sh shhhhhh”) can help baby to feel as though the womb still surrounds him/her. If there was a song you listened to when baby was in the womb, give it a try and see if he/she remembers it! AMBIANCE: Remember, the womb was a dark place. Sometimes, lights can be a little too stimulating for baby. With dimmed lights or even full darkness, you may find a better response. Phone screens, flickering lights and even strong smells.   Just when you thought you got the hang of a solid routine, your baby is suddenly a stranger to sleep. How on earth could this have happened when sleep was going so well? Is baby waking frequently at night? Dropping naps? Fighting sleep? These are all common signs of a sleep regression. Sleep regressions most commonly occur around three to four months, eight to ten months, twelve months, eighteen months, two years and three years. However, babies can have them with milestones and developmental leaps as well. Sleep regressions can last anywhere from two to six weeks, although a longer or shorter timeline is possible. After all, every baby is different. If you are feeling at the end of your rope when it comes to sleep, take comfort in knowing that these sleep regressions are completely normal, even if your friend’s baby is still sleeping a solid ten hours. But in the mean time, what can we do to get through it? Here are five strategies and coping mechanisms to pick and choose from: Know that it is Temporary The good news is that sleep regressions don’t last forever. There will be an end in sight. It isn’t a predictable end, and it may not align with the other babies who are the same age as yours, but understand that these regressions are normal as well as the fussiness, frequent feeding and overwhelming need to be cuddled. Enlist Help There is a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture. It can be downright debilitating. If you are struggling to keep your head above water, enlisting help is a great idea, whether from a partner, friend, parent or postpartum doula. A meal delivery or cleaning service is another great idea to delegate tasks which may become too overwhelming to stay on top of with lack of sleep. Sleep and self care are important. If you feel your needs are being neglected, try not to power through. Taking care of yourself is a huge priority. Sleep Train Many parents make the decision to sleep train around these times. While this tends to be a hot button “all or nothing” subject, know that there are gray areas. While cry-it-out works for some parents, others may be more apt to try methods that don’t require this process. There are also many sleep training methods that are breastfeeding friendly. If you aren’t sure where to start, a sleep specialist could be a great resource to get you on the road to routine again. There’s an App For That Sometimes, having predictability, even when it is just a predictor of everything being chaotic and unpredictable, can make a world of difference! Since many sleep regressions occur with developmental leaps, knowing when the leap is happening can help to distinguish when this behavior may occur. Many new parents are so exhausted, the thought of reading a book can be daunting. This is why the Wonder Weeks app is a great resource. It predicts when leaps are coming for your baby, can describe signs of the developmental leaps and will even tell you what you can do to help. Even if you don’t have time to read the app, a simple chart with thunderclouds and sunshine icons can’t be a better quick reference so you’ll know what is coming. Trust Your Gut If something is just not seeming right to you, it is always a great measure to visit your baby’s care provider and seek reassurance that there isn’t another issue causing a loss of sleep, such as an ear infection. You know your baby better than anyone, so if you sense something else may be going on, it is always best to err on the side of caution.   Dear Pre-Mom Self: I’m not letting you go Anna Gannon released an article with the Huffington Post called “Dear Pre-Mom Self: It’s Time to Let You Go.” I always love reading these endearing articles from mother to mother, but this one was unsettling to me. I would like to offer a different perspective. Let me just get this out of the way first, I love myself. It took a long time for me to admit that, for fear of being seen as selfish, a bad mom, or unworthy of being loved. The truth is that loving myself is what makes our family thrive. Being a parent is hard, and what is even harder is that it comes with all these expectations. There is judgment out there that if you don’t let yourself go and become a self-sacrificing martyr for your children, that you somehow aren’t a good enough mother. Friends, family, strangers…they observe your life as if grading a paper. Did she party too much? Did she lose her baby weight? Did she put her kids in daycare? Is her house clean? Does she have a full head of makeup every day? Does she order takeout? No matter what end of the spectrum, it is always so easy for someone who isn’t in our place to second guess whether what we are doing is right. I love my alone time. I love getting massages and pedicures. I love running. I love drinking vodka tonics with my friends and dancing like we are still in college. I love that I can look at my husband and tell HIM to get up with the baby tonight, because my body has worked hard, and I deserve some sleep. I love to work. I love talking to my kids about all of my passions. I love that even though times are hard, I come out of them with support from my friends, who never judge a thing I say. So today, I’d like to say “I see you.” I see you, Pre-Mom Self, I love you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that. Thank you for coming on this journey with me. I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. This life is hard. I don’t remember the last time I sat on the toilet without someone screaming at me. (Sorry about that, by the way) The days are long, and the nights are longer. You never left though. I’ve made time for you when I can, and that has made all the difference. Thanks for giving me dreams to follow. Thanks for also realizing that my boys have dreams too. But despite all these dreams, you’ve given me an ability to tell them my dreams every day. My oldest son, Tristan now talks about being a doula. I write this with tears in my eyes knowing he’d be a damn good one. I’m so incredibly proud. My boys are strong, determined and inspiring…just like you. You never let us forget that. Thank you for saying “Give yourself some grace. Today was hard, and you can eat the ice cream. Speak up and tell your husband you want some wine as well.” Pre-mom self, you looked good. I look good too. You gave me a strong baseline to grow from. I know that I don’t have to weigh a certain number, or run marathons to show my worth. But I do know that I want my boys to be healthy, and they will only learn if I do it for myself. So I make time with you when I can. We won’t judge others for what they do. I know you thought you were the best parent you knew. But the truth is, you’re not…you don’t even know what it’s like to have kids. I do. Together, we have evolved in a way. We are radiant. You should see how strong I am now. You were so strong already, but I’ve grown from you. I’ve known challenges you’ve never known. Raising children is a struggle, and making time for yourself once you have them is another struggle. It’s also downright amazing in between the struggle. It can be such a mind game. Together though, we are an unstoppable team. Don’t worry. I’ll never forget you. I’ll never leave you behind. My boys love you…you are the inner child that binds us. My husband loves you…you keep our marriage together when every bit of me wants to resent him for working and leaving us alone on another difficult day of teething and poop-flinging. I love you. You give me so much to live for. One day, my kids are going to be old and grown, living for themselves, and I’ll be able to let them go with nothing but happiness in my heart. This is all thanks to you…you were there for me. I would say I miss you, but I don’t have to. You are like the sun. I can’t always see you, but I know you’re there. I’ll never let anyone make me feel the need to let you go. The judgment may be strong, but together we are stronger. The important people know we are a good team and that is all that matters.   Is your baby a Xerox image of what the baby books predict they will be if you try their methods word for word? Or do you have a little rebel on your hands? Today, we want to bring hope that NO baby is a Xerox of anything and all babies are different. While some books may work for your baby, we want to urge you to not get to discouraged if the same methods don’t work that worked for your best friend’s baby. Just to show the silliness of how much pressure we put on ourselves as parents, today we have changed the words to one of Britney Spears’s greatest hit songs “Lucky.” Feel free to put on your karaoke and sing along with us! *dramatic chords ensue* This is a story about a baby named Xerox… Early morning, they’re asleep Knock, knock, knock on the door And no one wakes up, peace and quiet It’s 10am they’re waiting for And Folks say Aren’t they lucky That textbook family And they say, She’s so lucky She just smiles, while our kids cry cry cry And it breaks our hearts Thinking, Dr. Karp has Five darn techniques and Why is my kid up all night Lost in an image, it just seems That she rarely wants to be picked up And the world is spinning and she keeps on grinning But tell me, what happens when she stops? She won’t. Aren’t they lucky That textbook family And they say, She’s so lucky She just smiles, while our kids cry cry cry And it breaks our hearts Thinking, those darn baby books Went and they lied and Why is my kid up all night Aren’t they lucky That textbook family They read the baby books, and they really worked, So why is ours up at night? And they say, She’s so lucky She just smiles, while our kids cry cry cry And it breaks our hearts Thinking, those darn baby books Went and they lied and Why is my kid up all night   It is an exciting, but terrifying time for the Big Island of Hawaii as Kilauea, a shield volcano on the island, is currently erupting. While this situation is far from upstate New York, emotions range from seeing the awe-striking beauty of the lava flowing, to the catastrophic damage to peoples’ houses and personal belongings. Many questions arise. Some may ask “Why would people even build their houses on a volcano?” Others may say “Building a house on a volcano is perfectly safe. The chance of a house being wiped out by lava is so rare.” But, that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. That doesn’t mean that the people whose houses are being wiped out did anything differently or less correct than the house a hundred feet away from them, which is standing perfectly safe. We don’t berate the people whose houses were destroyed. We are thankful for the scientists who were able to see this coming and evacuate people to safety. It’s the same in the birth world. Society is on a nature-kick these days. It is insistent on putting everything into a natural box, assuring that nature will take its course and shaming away anything man-made that may intervene in a natural process. Many people have formulated opinions about birth, quite similar to the volcano. Some are scared for it, while some are excited and can see beauty in it. No feeling is invalid, it is just a matter of perspective based on our different paths. You may see one family plan for an intervention-free birth and have everything go as planned, where another family may end up needing intervention. Is this because one family trusted birth more? Is this because the family with the intervention did something wrong? No! It’s nature. Nature doesn’t make plans. If we use the volcano analogy, these two separate birthing families could have lived right next to each other on the volcano. One was hit by lava and one was not. Thankfully, this is birth we are talking about, not a volcano. When “lava” flows in our direction, we can use interventions that keep us safe. What is our biggest takeaway? We want families to make decisions as they choose. Natural can be great for some, but harmful to others. We need to be mindful of this when making recommendations to our friends. In fact, as doulas, we often see that a client’s INSTINCT is key. We want to be there to support and nurture that instinct, whether your choices are made by nature or not. The beauty of pregnancy and birth, but also the scary part, like volcanoes, is that it can change from minute to minute. No one can truly predict the path of the “lava.” Natural can be beautiful, but it isn’t always safe. The best thing we can do in this day and age, is to support all decisions, and in the case where they don’t go according to plan, accept that this too is a turn of nature. Here at New York Baby Co. we want to assure you that no matter what turn the lava takes, we are there to support you, whether you built your house on the volcano or not. We always trust in the choices of our clients, and validate any emotion they may feel.   Today on the blog, we want to uplift you. The journey to becoming a parent, as well as the parenting journey can be hard. Every feeling, at any given stage of this process is completely valid. However, sometimes we can forget that, as many times we are so isolated in the time when we need validation the most. This is why, today we invite you to sit back with us. No need to think, just read. Here are ten affirmations to help you get through your day. Take what you love, write it on a post-it and put it on a mirror to find some inner strength if it helps you!
So there you have it! These are our hand crafted modern affirmations, and we hope you find one that resonates with you today. In this modern world, with research and opinions at our fingertips every minute of the day, it can often be hard to be gentle with ourselves. Today, we are here to tell you that it is entirely ok.   “The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.” – Gloria Steinem Okay, so we aren’t here to piss anyone off today, but we do want to unleash the TRUTH of self care and set you free. When we think self care, we think bubble baths, women in their 20s-30s, the newest trend of shared blogs, spa days. This can be self care, self care DOES apply to everyone, no matter who you are. We especially believe it is important for parents of all stages, in order to raise children to be strong, self sufficient people who also believe they’re deserving of self care. It seems though, that we really don’t understand what self care is in society. Sure, bubble baths and spa days can be great, but when people resort to those strategies for self care, they often start to feel as it is an indulgent thing that can only be taken advantage of sometimes. The TRUTH? Self care is common sense. Self care is for everyone. Self care can happen every day. It’s all about how much of a priority it is in our lives, and here at NY Baby Co. we believe it should always be a big one! So how do you figure out what YOU need? How do you take care of yourself without in turn stressing yourself out about when you can fit a bubble bath into your day? We are so glad you asked! It’s one simple question. “What will bring me joy today?” That’s right! Self care doesn’t need a box. Self care can be different thing for different people. Here are some common ones we see among our clients:
But really, self care can be ANYTHING! It is anything that makes you happy or fills your cup. Yes, it can often be hard to set aside time, but when the time is set aside, we are recharged and refreshed for whatever the day (and probably night) has to bring us! What about you? What are your favorite self care tactics?   At The NY Baby Co. we are true believers in FIERCE parenting! We want all of our parents to walk in the direction of confidence, fueled only by those who are going to contribute positively to their journey. While a doula serves to support, the ultimate goal is to nurture the family in a way that they will be able to function independently and no longer need the additional support. We will enter the scene with nothing but love and acceptance while gently guiding you where your instincts and values want to go, and by the time we leave, we hope to see you standing taller, knowing that while you can call us again for our services anytime, you've got this! So what are the signs of a fierce parent? We are so glad you asked! Here are our three biggest takeaways that make a parent truly fierce. Confidence in Decisions You have Friend A telling you something different from Friend B, while your mother tells you that back in her day none of this was an issue and people are so uptight. What is a parent to do? While it can be easy to get frustrated and overwhelmed by all of the tension surrounding what you do with your baby, a fierce parent will smile, thank everyone for their opinion and move along. Trusting instincts is key. You know how to pick a great care provider and you know in your heart what your baby needs. It seems that even when you display this kind of confidence, people will chime in and have something to say, but that's okay, because a fierce parent knows how to move along with class, while continuing to do what is best for their family. Self Care, NO Apologies. It seems to be a tale as old as time that the terms parent and martyr go hand in hand. The self sacrificing person with every hair out of place and no time to themselves always seems to get the most praise. However, what is not pictured, is this same self sacrificing person burning out and melting down. No one wants another person to feel this way! This is why fierce parents know that when it's time to focus on themselves, it must be made a priority. It could be as simple as watching the newest episode of "Stranger Things" or as extravagant as buying yourself a hotel room for the night and enjoying not being touched...by anyone. Fierce is worn differently by everyone, but the importance is in how it makes you feel. It is fact that only when you are cared for, will you be able to give caring for someone else your absolute all. Never Lose your Charm! A fierce parent knows that they are still the person they were before they had a baby. Becoming a parent doesn't mean you are suddenly joining the club of one size fits all. It just means, you have another hat to wear. Do you love to paint? Like travel? Like going on for a night of dancing? KEEP DOING IT! Keep being you and keep shining. Our children love nothing more than to see that their parents are people with a passion and zest for life. Never forget the biggest lesson in this: fierce parents make fierce kids! If we want our children to know that they are free to be who they are, we have to show them that having them never erased who we were. And though they might give you a few eye rolls in their teen years, we can almost promise they will turn around to love you for it! Does this all sound impossible? Not to worry! It can be a tall order for families with a new baby to truly get comfortable with the idea of being fierce. That is why doulas can make a huge difference in your journey. We will help you navigate this crazy road and validate you when others won't. Fierce doesn't only belong to a few. It can belong to anyone. And it is YOURS for the taking!  |
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